14 January 2011

Life happens

2011 is not getting off to a good start for me. In fact, I'd be quite content if I could sleep through the rest of this year (if it is to continue in a similar vein) and wake up in 2012. Unless, of course, the Mayans are correct and the world will end in 2012. In which case I'd rather just sleep through that, thank you very much. (The sleep would be particularly welcome considering that the past few days have seen me getting less than my usual 4-5 hours.) In other news...

It's over. My relationship of over a year is over. Of all the men I've dated, he was the only one I ever said 'I love you' to. The only one who I ever opened up to completely. After putting myself on the line, it's hard not to regret everything after it has fallen apart. Because in the end, I simply wasn't good enough for him. When he rejected me, it was a rejection of my personality, my beliefs, my dreams...who I am.

Needless to say, I am very upset and sad. It's hard for me to allow myself to get close to people, whether in friendship or romantically. So to finally let myself relax and trust...only to have this happen is like being stabbed in the heart with a knife. I know rationally that it is a part of life, that it happens to everyone, but emotionally this doesn't compute...I don't care. I am angry, upset, hurt, confused. Still, this will be the only post where I will indulge my anger by actually mentioning the breakup. From this day forward, it shall be as if it never happened. This is the only possible way for me to deal with this. The way to go from here is forward. And so a-forward I shall go, away into the future. Where hopefully bigger and better things are waiting for me. Failing that, I will just become a cat lady.

Today, the Conscious Corner FB page posted a particularly apt quotation to describe how I've been dealing with this situation:

“In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive.” 

~Lee Iacocca

And so during today's run I watched as the times on my Garmin crept from their usual 7:15-7:30 pace down to 6:30 and then, for a very brief time, 5:30! Clearly I had a lot of anger and other emotions to work out. It snowed here in Laurel a few days ago, and while less than 2 inches actually accumulated on the ground, it was enough to make parts of my run rather harrowing. The snow has mostly melted by now, but was pretty while it lasted. They are calling for more snow next Tuesday, which should be interesting considering that I am flying back to London on Tuesday night. Hmm...

So...self-indulgent post over. I will not look back into the past, only towards the future. Come on 2011...show me what (or perhaps who?) else you've got!

 P.S. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has called/texted/supported me during this tough time. You have no idea how much it means to me. Thank you!

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