23 November 2008

What's the point of trying to dream anymore?

To be honest, it has been a rough couple of days. But it is my own damn fault, I've done it to myself, and I am getting what I deserve. That said, I regret what has happened immensely...a rarity in my life. This, coupled with my trip to Turkey and the fact that the end of term is rapidly approaching, is the reason why I will not be updating this blog as frequently in the near future. I simply have neither the time nor the energy at this point. Perhaps once I get back from Turkey a post will be in the works. But in the meantime...yeah.

Moving on, I have realized that I have three weeks left in Oxford. Tomorrow marks the beginning of 7th week. Which means that I have three seminars and three tutorials left. Four more papers to write (three 8 pagers and one 15 pager). Loads of work, to be sure. I have mixed feelings about leaving Oxford. The highs and lows of my time here have been epic. The highs have been great, the lows...not so much. What I know for sure is that I will miss this city incredibly once I leave it. Granted, I will have the chance to come back next semester. It will be difficult, as Edinburgh is so far from Oxford, but I can make it work. However, Oxford will never be 'home' to me again. I highly doubt that I will get into graduate school here, so I might as well just accept the fact that this is it. The end of the Oxford-Rebecca relationship. How sad.

Going home is going to be hard. I'm excited to see my family. I mean it! It may not show during the first few days (or weeks), but I will be happy to see them. It's just that going home means a return to a place that is not Oxford. It means a return to responsibility, to normalcy, to...life. And, though I am loathe to admit it, I am not entirely ready to return to regular life just yet. Granted, it is only going to be for about a month. I return home on 14 December and will be leaving on 8 January. Still...the re-adjustment, the reverse culture shock, is going to be an absolute killer. I can feel it already.

Equally hard is going to be getting reacquainted with my friends from back home. I have changed here in Oxford, whether for the better or the worse has yet to, if it ever possibly can, be decided. Oxford has changed me as it does everyone who visits here for any significant length of time. It is an experience that I will never forget even if I wanted to. And just as certainly as I have changed, my friends have as well. They've gone off to different colleges, met new people, had experiences that I have not been there for and cannot possibly fathom. The same is true for me. Each semester is a bit harder than the last. And each semester I end up wondering if this is the final change, the final blow that will cause us to realize that we all have grown apart.

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